||[Monday, March 20th, 2006 @ 7:35pm]
||[Wednesday, March 15th, 2006 @ 9:06pm]
I'm going to do whatever it takes, I’m going to be what I crave and dream of so so much. More than anything I’m going to be what I want to be and what I think is beautiful, and what the rest of the world sees as beautiful as well. I’m going to be the girl who is very confident but at times extreamly lonely, and at the same time horribly insecure but friendly. I’m doing this for myself and only myself. Because I’m tired of the extra baggage holding me back from what I crave so much. From what I want, from what I need. I want the feeling of being empty noting inside holding me down. But still smiling and happy, so cold but carrying warm and happyness inside. I WANT to hide between the calories, the fat, the carbs, and the scale. I WANT to be pale and purple, to be bruised and fragile. I don’t want an ass or hips or thick legs. I've had those for too too long. I want my cheeks to go away, and every inch of anything that is soft or squishy on me, showing what everyone has underneath the skin, the flesh and the fat. Pure bone. Cheekbones, collarbones, hip bones, knee bones. Bones bones bones. Bones and skin, skin and bones. I’m tired of being so padded and soft, and hefty. I only want ONE chin and I want sticks for legs and arms. I’m sick of looking in the mirror KNOWING that I will just be disappointed in myself. I want to look in the mirror and feel my skin, shrinking. I want the fat to melt away. I want my stomach to growl nonstop. I want a meal to be a couple of ice cubes and raw lettuce, and i know i can't do that because i don't have the strength. But i need to gain that strength and gain it fast. Wanting isn’t enough. That is why I’m going to act on this want. I am going to be beautiful. I will, soon enough people will look at me with respect, not disgust. I will have friends, and maybe boyfriends, even though that seems rediculously far out of the picture. I’m sick of restricting my caloric intake. An apple should be a meal fit for a king. It should be the first and last thing you eat before you walk your fat-ass to the toilet to go puke your guts out. And i need to learn that. I don’t need pasta or bread or cereal. I need energy drinks, water, and fruit. Right now is my time and I'm going to live it how i want to live it. I can make it a good day, or not. The choice is mine.
So leave me the hell alone and dont tell me what to do with my life, my body, or my mind.
||[Wednesday, March 15th, 2006 @ 4:45pm]
haha so today after school
emily and i went to jorgensons.
we had bagels and hot coca and stuff
and talked about, pretty much everything.
then we left and walked down main st with our backpacks
we looked like the freaks that i always make fun of when im in a car and they arent haha.
so i guess i kinda make fun of myself.
we wanted to go to the inside flee market because we both
had never been to one but we decided to go across the st
to the pawn shop
haha it was gross.
with gross mid thirty yr old men glaring us down
like we were slabs of meat.
kinda gross? um yeah so anyway we walked back up main st.
and we went to the mid maine shop
smelled candles looked at books
then her mom called
and they kept being all mad with each other
[by the way the wohle point of not going home
after school...for her, was to not see her parents] lol.
um so yeah they wanted her HOME rawr.
so i called my mom
she emt us at al coreys. i needed a reed
for the band concert tonight.
i got one.
we went home.
and im here now.
I tried to go shopping for a damn saides dress last night
MY GOD I HATE SHOPPING.
youd think id love it because im a teenage girl
and i like clothes.
but not when i have to buy fat person sizes
then i cant handle it
and i like break down.
so i bought...a new bra.
because its okay if my BOOBS ARE HUGE. ugh.
and a pair of really cute shoes =)
and i went home..
but im excited to go to sadies with kiley.
yes a girl, no im not bi.
i love her and i cant get a guy date so WHATEVER
this past weekend wasnt too fantastic either.
i mean one acts were fun and i met a few gals.
like kristina or whatever she was nice
and a really good actress.
but like seriously.
out of all the people in our cast...ANJA is always hit on.
not that shes not pretty i mean i love anja
but god...even i cant get an UGLY guy too glance my way
so i met someone but....mrs slut bag like stalked him the rest of the night so i gave up.
and on saturday they were like inseperable.
come to find out he had a gf the whole time anyway
whatever i fail.
tonight is our band concert with the 6,7, & 8th graders and the high school.
good god i hate them
and i hav to find a black outfit...ya right.
i dont like own clothes...
let alone clothes that fit.
i need to start running again
im getting too fat
and i need to go see ali..friday night should be fun though.
this was a super long entry.
im going to post photos in a different entry later.
oh and i got 43 on a math quiz. HAHA
bye bye boston university, good lord. we'll see.
im going to visit places later in april
ill make a list for an entry later.
i know everyone is SUPER interested...ha.
||[Wednesday, March 8th, 2006 @ 10:18pm]
so i missed the real world last night
after i ranted about it in my journal
but i watched american idol tonight
omg i love will HES SO EFFIN ADORABLE!
and i love ace, his voice is FANTASTIC!
OH GOOD NEWS
now when i stand up and
put my arms over my head
you can see my rib cage really well.
im still wayyyy too fat
but im making progress.
which is nice.
i think im going to the doctors soon because i have another damn skin problem
so they will weigh me again
but im just so glad my ribs are showing and its not justthins gross lump of bone.
you can like see each individual one.
||[Tuesday, March 7th, 2006 @ 9:19pm]
hahahaha. were so not making states this year for the one acts.
we suck at life.
ohohoh! and the real world key west is on tonight.
i wanna watch that anorexic girl
she motivates me to lose weight
i love that show haha. *lame*